It's Only My Heart
by FallAngel
Summary: Noah and Luke break up after New Year and they are trying so hard to let go, but how do you let go the love of you're life, and can you let that person go?


It's Only My Heart (1/2)

Things were so messed up right now and Luke had absolutely no Idea how to fix them but he knew that his behavior was no less inexcusable. For god's sake, he had kissed Brian. Yes he had been drunk and seeing Noah leave with Maddie when it was supposed to them, their night and Noah leaves with Maddie off all people…

His ex, how on earth was he supposed to react? Okay so he got jealousy…but come on… How would you react if your boyfriend walked away with your ex on your special night He was so in love with Noah or at least he used to. To tell the truth he wasn't sure how to fell anymore about anything or what he could do. His life was so damage and so what he…

Here he was now, standing outside Java, looking thought the glass, seeing Noah standing over the bar with a smile on his face. Even that little gesture made Luke sad. '_At least he's moved on now' _Luke thought as he took a step inside, letting the heat embrace him. The heat felt good against his skin even as Noah starrier at him with cold blue eyes. It gave is body a signal that said that he was at least in some level alive and not completely dead inside. A spark of hope the warm gain his inter soul the strange he might needed. Luke swallowed nervously as he took a step towards the bar.

"Hi Jeff" He greeted as he took his gloves of; trying not to glance at Noah even thought he probably stood there staring at him. He didn't dare to meet those blue eyes and see what he saw from everyone else, he couldn't take one more person looking at him like that, and in Noah's eyes he knew that there would be anger in them, an anger he did not want to face.

"What can I get you Luke, the usual? " Jeff asked as he reached for a coffee mug.

The usual meant Caramel Latte, but Luke knew what that coffee mean to him and drinking it would mean that everything was okay, which they were not. Far from okay and he was not going to try that it was. He was too tired to play those games, hiding his feelings and thoughts just so that someone wasn't going to get hurt. But what about him, He had managed to lose the most important thing of all, Noah's love.

"No not today Jeff" He replied with a mix of a steady and a shaking voice, trying to sound normal as his heart broke a little bit more. _I'll probably never again drink that coffee…_

That drink reminded him to much of Noah and how they used to drink it, together and sometimes more in other ways, ways that left them breathless and completely fucked out. The magical coffee as Noah used to put it and man if that coffee and Noah didn't to make magic together.

"Hello Luke?" Jeff called out, dragging Luke out of his thoughts. "What can I get you?"

"Um… I'll have a…"He scanned the board for a moment. "A… cappuccino"

"Coming right up!"

"Thanks" he murmured as he strolled to the tables to try to find a seat. _"Don't look at Noah, don't look at him, that will only break my heart even more…Don't think about Noah, don't think about how sweet he used to be, or how much he hates me right now… Don't love Noah; I got to let him go… _

Luke didn't want to see Noah starring back at him; he didn't need to look at him to know what kind of pain he had caused. He slowly sat down, looking down at the table and just sat there. It didn't take long for Jeff to come with his coffee and Luke was glad for that. At least it would help him be occupied for a moment.

_I can do this; I can do this he chanted in his mind. I can let him go… I can… he deserves it; he should love someone else then me… I don't deserve him..._

Luke sat there, sinking even deeper into his thought, trying to convince himself that Noah hated him that he and Noah truly were over and he was going to  
move on. It would spare him the pain of hope and his heart knew that this time it had to be final; this time there were no one to glue his heart back together. No one to pick up all the pieces that was shattered inside of him, which would result that his heart was dying if not already dead.

That's why he sat at Java, not looking at Noah, trying to let go. Memory by memory little pieces at the time. Stop loving Noah; it was like stopping the world turning but Luke was determent to do this, it was the "right thing" for everyone. Maybe not himself but his feelings didn't matter anymore, not since the whole elections, he could go as he pleased with no one with even having the slightest interest in him.

He kept starring down at his coffee mug, trying to get lost from reality. He didn't even notice Noah starring at him.

Noah had been watching Luke from the moment he came in, how those sad eyes looked down, and you didn't need to be a genius to tell that Luke wasn't all right but Noah wasn't either. However Luke looked worse than he did, like a living dead or worse. He didn't look like Luke anymore and it took him all of his willpower not to run to him and embrace the blond. As soon as he felt that urge to comfort Luke, the imaged of Luke and Brian popped up in his head and the anger flew into his mind, every thought of going to Luke vanished in a moment.

It didn't stop him looking at Luke. There was something else there, more than sadness surrounding him. Noah could see it but he couldn't seem to see what it was, but it sure hell wasn't Luke that sat in the corner, from far away he didn't even look human anymore.

He looked so small, tiny and extremely pale, not to mention tired and complete drained out. There were no posture at all; it looked like Luke tried to sink into his own coffee mug if it was possible.

"Hey Noah" Jeff called out. "I'm heading home if you don't mind. This place is almost dead so I don't think that both of us need to be here and I kind of got a date in a couple of hours…" He trailed of a bit.

"It's Okay Jeff, really. You can go" He reassured Jeff. "After all, you have covered me a lot of times, so no problem."

"Thanks Man, I'll see you tomorrow and don't forget to lock when you leave" and with that Jeff left the Java, leaving Luke and Noah alone.

Noah nodded before going back to scrubbing the tables. Java suddenly felt even quieter then before and every single thing Noah did sounded louder than it used to.

It didn't take long time before Noah sank into his own thoughts and for a while there was no sound at all. Suddenly one of the chairs fell of the table with a loud _BANG_ which caused Noah to jump high but Luke didn't even seem to react at all. He just kept starring into his coffee mug.

"Damn" He sworn as he walked to pick it up. He then looked at his watch, realizing that it was time to close Java and start walking back to the dorms…

"Look… I got to close so I need you to leave" Noah said, trying to not put any anger in his voice, trying to treat him as a customer and not as a cheating boyfriend as he walked back to the bar but glanced at Luke as he spoke.

Luke didn't reply anything back; instead he just took his stuff and walked out of Java without a word or a glance, like a ghost.

Luke hurried out of Java as fast as his own legs could carry him. He felt how his heart was ripped apart, and damn it hurt. He knew that this was going to be hard, but this. This was just too much, he couldn't breathe or think, and at that moment he didn't even want to be live because right now life hurt and sucked more or less. He wouldn't understand how people moved on when the person they loved didn't love them anymore.

He took a few steps longer, but he felt that his legs wouldn't carry him so much longer so he looked for the first best ally he could find before breaking down in sobs. Damn, he was never going to fall in love again…

As soon as he made sure that he would never think or feel anything for Noah Mayer, he would stop falling in love or loving people, there was no point anyway so why even try. And No one could ever replace Noah. Kevin had been one thing, but Kevin wasn't Noah… He wasn't even near being as sweet, loving and carrying as Noah was.

He curled up like a ball, hugging himself and for a moment he just wanted to forget everything. He didn't care about the rain that was falling down and soaked his clothes. He didn't care about the dirty ground that he sat on, the cold that surrounded him or the fact that someone could see him.

And Noah saw him when he walked out from Java. He heard him to and those sobs were tearing his heart apart. But once again the image of Brian and Luke stopped him from walking any further.

They had come so long since Noah came out, they had fought through so much and no matter how much Noah hated Luke, he didn't want them to lose etch other completely. He turned back from the ally and started walking the other way back to the dorms.

After a while Luke manage to compose himself, rising up from the grown and silently walking home with tears still running down his face. _Maybe I can cry Noah out of my heart? _

He didn't seek comfort at the alcohol that night, even though the thought was very tempting but tonight all of his family members where home and he didn't dare for them to find out.

Silently he cried himself to sleep and across town laid Noah in his own bed, him also crying himself to sleep.

_Maybe tomorrow will be a better day…maybe…_ They hoped as sleep took over.

The following day Luke returned to Java but this time he ordered a different type of coffee again, something he never drank, that fact didn't pass Noah and he couldn't understand why Luke was there, drinking something he never drank. Why did he torment himself like this?

Luke needed to let Noah go and he tried to do so, every time he stepped thought the doors into Java. He could remind himself that Noah hated him and didn't want to have anything to do with him at all. It helped, if he could fill his mind that he was the cause to all this, that he was the problem and that Noah didn't want anything to do with him.

Every time Noah tried to confront Luke but it didn't work at all, the anger held him back and the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt Luke more he didn't deserve that.

As the day before Luke collapsed by the ally, sinking down and breaking apart and like the nights before Noah stood and watched how Luke poured his heart out, trying to compose himself again and the too walking away… Each time was a little harder to watching him go. Each time it hurt even more because Noah could see how Luke let him out of his heart, he saw the surrender that said _I'm done, and you can leave if you want to… I'm done fight for us, trying to fix all mistakes that I've done, that we have done… I'm just done…_

Today Noah was determined that he was going to speak to Luke at least get something out of him, he didn't want to watch him breaking down at that ally again, not again... but it soon felt like he was talking to a walk or to himself because Luke didn't react at all, not a flinch or anything. Blank. And soon the day had gone by with Luke walking out thought the door again.

"Luke, Wait!" Noah yells after him. He was not going to lose him now even thought they might not be a couple anymore he was not going to watch Luke slowly die in front of him.

Luke turned around as Noah approached him, a little hesitative at first but as soon as he sees that Luke stopped he walks faster until they stand face to face.

"What is it Noah?" Luke asked in a irritated voice.

"I just wanted to ask you if you are okay… You just seem so…" He trailed of.

Luke glared at him with an angry look. "I just seem so what Noah?" He attacked. "Why do you even care how I feel, uh?"

"I j-just" Noah stuttered. He didn't know how to explain his actions without Luke reading into them all today. "I just want to know what's wrong with you Luke! You don't look all right; you look sick or something like you've gotten to little sleep these past weeks. "

Luke stood there speechless for a moment, he hadn't expected Noah to care how he felt at all but he was and he was asking Luke.

_It's only my heart... that is breaking today. Incredible pain since you lost your way .It's only my heart... that cries when you're gone. It's the loss and heartache that you've done me wrong. It's only my heart... that grieves just the same. A treasured love lost, it's useless to blame. It's only my heart... _

Noah stood there painterly waiting for an answer; he could see that Luke struggled with himself.

"It's only my heart, Noah" Luke whispered before turning around and started to walk away. "It's only my heart that's breaking"


End file.
